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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  June 22, 2015 9:22am-9:57am PDT

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ari. tremendous comic. actually started out here as an intern. aziz ansari. he's going to be on the program tonight. but i can't even-- i'm busting jerry, i'm busting. like many of you, i heard some interesting, let's call it news today, about a certain, let's say, gift from heaven. ( laughter ) entering the presidential race because apparently huckabee-santorum wasn't far fetched enough. i gotta tell you, the world right now is going whites are black, trump's running for president. like. does gravity still work? i mean, it's-- ya! obviously, as a parent, i know all too well, we have to have something nutritional before dessert, so, if you will just bear with me, we can knock the spinach out and stick our naked asses in a chocolate fountain
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soon. saturday, first rally, clinton. >> it is wonderful to be here with all of you -- >> jon: yes, yes, wonderful to be with you, too. pick up the pace. there's a crazy person running for president. >> there maybe some new voices in the presidential republican choir. but they're all singing the same old song, a song called "yesterday." ( cheers and applause ) all our troubles look as though they're here to stay. and we need a place to hide away. they believe in yesterday. >> jon: you're killing me. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you're killing me. hillary, i mean this in the nicest way possible, let it be. listen, so, so, dig it. she'll do great. who's next? >> i'm a candidate for president of the united states of america. ( cheers and applause )
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>> whooo! >> jon: whooo? you, running for president. you aren't even close to whooo. you're not even close to whoo! i have a who in my back pocket we'll talk about later. you're more like this guy. does that guy have a name? that guy's name is probably jeb bush. that's right. why you, jeb bush? >> the presidency should not be passed on from one liberal to the next. >> jon: no, it should be passed down from one family member to the next. ( laughter ) like a precious heirloom you store for safe keeping in a glass case in pa-pa's garage in kennebunkport next to his pile of butler skeletons. are you done yet? >> in this country of ours, the most improbable things can happen. ( laughter ) >> jon: i know, and we're trying to get to him.
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bit you won't shut up because you're the plausible candidate with the giant war chest who could possibly be president. >> in this country of ours, the most improbable things can happen as well. take that from a guy who met his first president on the day he was born and his second on the day he was brought home from the hospital. >> jon: yes, only in america could a man be born the son of one leader and the brother of another, or saudi arabia, or westeros, i guess, anywhere where a hereditary monarchy. >> ladies and gentlemen, my father, donald j. trump. ♪ with a baby in a hand ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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( laughter ) >> jon: i'm just really happy right now. i'm a billionaire vanity candidate, taking the escalator to the white house. hey, only losers walk. presidents take stair force one. what an entrance. an escalator down. i haven't seen an entrance that majestic since my friend met me at the gap after grabbing an orange julius. ( laughter ) ( applause ) wow! come on! let's dance, clown stick! >> i am officially running for president of the united states and we are going to make our country great again. ( cheers and applause )
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♪ ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) >> jon: ( bleep ) scored his own presidential announcement. hey, hey, hey i'm going to run for president. kyle in the sound booth, neil young me. yes. ♪ rockin' if the-- ♪ cut, done. >> what followed was a half an hour of jibber-jabber ever to pour from the mouth of a bat-( bleep ) billionaire. >> the u.s. has become a dumping ground for everybody elseee problems. they're laughing at us. how how stupid are our leaders? we have losers. we have losers. when did we beat japan at
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anything? china has our jobs, and mexico has our jobs. when mexico sends his people-- they're bringing drugs. they're bringing crimes. they're rapists, and some, i assume, are good people. >> jon: i'm saying benefit of the doubt, huh? they can't all be rapists. it's not probable. this guy just disrespected our southern neighbors at his presidential announcements. you're awe bunch of drug dealers and rapists-- no disrespect. he's amazing! america's id is running for president. trump is the party of brain that is like at 3:00 a.m. going let's take a ( bleep ) in a mailbox. come on! who's gonna know? now every candidate uses their announcement speech to list off a litany of values that define them. so did the donald. >> i'm really rich.
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i did an amazing job. net worth of $8 billion-- net worth. the grand hyatt hotel. the convention center on the west side. trump tower. bank of america building in san francisco. i just sold an apartment for $15 million to somebody from china. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: hey, $15 million to a chinese guy! who's better than me? hey, kyle, neil young me, boom! this speech was so ( bleep ) up that in the middle of it, all the liquid in his body tried to escape through the corner of his mouth. ( laughter ) ( applause ) thank you, donald. thank you, donald trump for making my last six weeks my best six weeks. >> audience: oooh! >> jon: no! he is putting me in some kind of
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comedy hospice. ( cheers and applause ) where all i'm getting is this straight morphine-- well obviously, with such a stunning announcement we have full team coverage. we're going live to jordan klepper at trump headquarters. what is-- what is the latest? >> jon, i can't believe this is really happening. donald trump is running for president. it's going to be so, so good. so, so-- oooh! oooh! >> jon: jordan! >> oooh! ooooo-oooh! >> jon: i'm going to hasan while you collect yourself. hasan minaj live from the capitol. what is the word down there? >> yes, jon, i just want to oako what my colleague is saaay-- let's get back to the announcement that trump is rung
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for president. oh my god! oooh! oooh! i'm sorry, jon. but -- >> just because donald trump is going to be flying around in air force trump doesn't-- >> oooh. >> oooh! >> oooh! oooh! >> ooooh! >> jon: stop, think of your grandmother! think of your grandmother! >> my grandma is it running for president! >> at trump international new york city, are you feeling it. >> oh my god. yes. what a big announcement. definitely the biggest i've ever seen. ( laughter ) i don't even know if i can take it anymore it's so -- >> i feel like-- jess i feel like you're not really into
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this. i feel like you're not really into this, jess. >> what? no. this is amazing. it feels so great. i just actually really have an early day tomorrow, so are we going to get done with this segment or... >> jon: or. >> i'm done with this segment. >> i'm done. >> jon: jordan are you okay? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: thanks guys. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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♪ ♪ get excited for the 1989 world tour with exclusive behind the scenes footage all of taylor swift's music videos interviews, and more. xfinity is the destination for all things taylor swift. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: welcome back. upon i hope you all enjoyed running our old faces on a loop. welcome back. if the donald is running for president we will need an appropriate nosh to celebrate but what food could match the depravity and excess of a donald trump candidacy? >> nothing goes with a piping hot pizza like an all-american hot dog right?
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pizza hut is rolling out its latest concoction in the u.s. it's a crust stuffed with weiner bites. ( laughter ). >> jon: it looked like a group of uncircumcised italian men jerking off on to a ( bleep ) pizza. or if you prefer pizza wearing an uncircumcised ( bleep ) bandoleer. just in case it's ever attacked. what kind of idiot would willingly put this into their mouths? >> you know what it's like? it's like pigs in a blanket. ( cheers and applause ). >> hello. hello doocy. hello kilmeade. hello pizza. >> the question is do you actually start with the crust? >> why wouldn't you? ( laughter ) >> jon: because you could die. look, i understand the attraction. who amongst us has not finished an entire pizza hut pita and thought to ourselves, you know
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what i could go for right now? one ( bleep ) mini hot dog and right after, that one of them forever naps. come on! hawking fast food on the news? is there any way this could get more inappropriate? >> 28 mini hot dogs baked in each crust. >> jon: take it easy with finger banging the pizza there, brother. this is a morning show. kids are watching. you save that for "fox and friends after dark." ♪ ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) >> jon: this may be the greatest day of my life. ( cheers and applause ) pizza hut-- pizza hut-- pizza hut, how dare you? this is whowt a doubt the most repulsive disgusting nauseating fast food they have ever seen in
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my life. and i gotta tell you something, when you take-- why do you have-- ( laughter ) oh, hey-- hey, arby's. i was-- i was-- i was just talking to pizza hut. how long-- how long have you been there? no, arby's! no wait! arby's wait for me at camera three, would you please? wait. wait for me. hey. ( laughter ) hey, arby's you know i didn't mean, that right? i mean, you know you'll always be worst. come on. come on arby's. you're the only food classifieds a war crime. you're the general sherman of my esophagus, just a long, burning march from my foot and mouth my anus. baby, baby, baby, com. you know i would twefer two-time with you that johnny-come-lately isle-of-doctor-moreau, pork-( bleep ) cheese typhoon of gluttony. who the ( bleep ) decide-- no don't go, don't go.
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i'm sorry i'm sorry. you taste like if a stomach could get punched in the balls. you know that. ( laughter ) i just got caught up in the thrill of something new. butue come on, baby. you know you're special. you know you're the reason i carry around a duffel bag of spare underwear. i can't be more than 50 feet from a bathroom at all times. you'll always be the o.g.. come on baby. come on. ( laughter ) ( applause ) arby's. no gimmicks. just diarrhea. you know who loves you baby. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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♪ ♪ ♪ >> jon: aziz is here! ( cheers and applause ) >> oh, my god. >> jon: listen to this. listen to this. so "modern romance," you know this about comedianes and books right? it's a cash grab. you're supposed to write your act down and cash to check. >> yup. >> jon: this is a real book. >> yeah. i worked hard on it. >> jon: what the ( bleep )? >> i know. i gotta did the cash grab next sometime. >> jon: i hope so. no, it's really interesting. so you worked with a professor of sociology, and there's real science and real research into relationships here. >> yeah. >> jon: i mean, it's funny. >> yeah. >> jon: but it's-- it's true. >> it is. yeah. >> jon: what are you doing? ( laughter ) >> i gotta, like, the next one i should-- everyone writes these kids' books.
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i'm like, damn it. that is so much easier than spending two years doing a science project. ( laughter ) i should have just written a damn kids' book. but it was a lot of fun. i'd been doing material about kind of these issues. and what was interesting to me was working with a sociologist and, like, really figuring out the heart of these issues that i was talking about in my stand-up and interviewing hundreds of people about it. it was really interesting. i feel like i learned a lot. >> jon: and traveling. you went around the world. >> yeah. >> jon: what did you learn worked, and do you use it to get laid? >> i have a girlfriend right now. some of the stuff doesn't apply to me. >> jon: like the stuff about... that? >> yeah. i'm not using it to, like -- >> jon: meet girls. >> get laid with other women while with my girlfriend. i'm not doing that. that would be bad. ( laughter ). >> jon: right. >> but-- ( laughter )
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why are you doing that? >> jon: why would you put in two years of extensive research to find out in the most minute statistical detail what is a more effective tindir picture, and then why would you then use that? makes-- >> these guys, man! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: oh, well that's very nice. you're very nice. you know what? you're the santa clause. you're the santa claus of modern dating now. was there anything that shocked you, that you had preconceived notions you had in your act and now have to reboot? >> well, when i went to japan, i definitely thought of, oh, that's such a technologically advanced culture. they're probably on the cutting edge of whatever, online dating or app. and then you get there and i read all these articles, and there's, like, a crisis there and it was an insane statistic,
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like 46% of women between 16 and 24 despise sexual contact. and 25% of the guys in that same age despise-- despise, like, that is an aggressive word. that's-- that's like you see breasts and it's like, "get it away!" >> jon: why do you think that is? >> there's a lot of things, but it seems like there's this weird gender dynamics in japan. and we talked to this woman who does a lot of studies there about the whole situation there, and they don't really know. but, you know, it's a big worry and the government is, like, investing money in trying to get people to kind of start dating and socializing more because people are kind of checking out. i asked them, "what about online dating? like, that could be a thing." one issue is the idea of a herborvor man, a shy guy not as interested in women, more interested in other things. and that will be perfect, like an online dating thing. and they're like, "no it, doesn't work here as well."
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because, you know, for online dating you have to make the profile and put photos up, and in their culture, taking photos of yourself is kind of narcissistic. i was like what kind of photos are put up then? guys will put up a photo of their rice cooker. ( laughter ) for real! like, a rice cooker. like, you go to a woman and go, "i have the ability to make rice very well. >> jon: did you find in the technological age, is this a help to intimacy or a hindrance? >> it really depends on, i think, how you look at it. you know, one thing is, like online dating. we talked to so many people about that and the people happiest were the ones who spent less time in front of their screens and more time actually meeting people and not, like just sitting in front of the computer sorting through profiles trying to craft the
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perfect message and sending messages back and forth. >> jon: people get obsessive about that in the way they might obsess about their appearance. i could see that. >> but at the same time, there are so many people finding, like amazing people that they get married to. that was the thing -- >> where did you meet your dpoifl? >> through friend of friends. >> jon: tirnd? >> no, she's going to dump me at the end of this segment. >> jon: these shooez not going to dump you. you have a rice cooker. do you have a rice cooker? >> i do i have to show her a picture of it. >> jon: you have teal you it's an incredibly funny but thoughtful piece of work and i'm impressed. i feel you should do more of these. >> i'm doing a series of kids' books after this. >> jon: aziz ansari. "modern romance" is on the book shelves right now.
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get excited for the 1989 world tour with exclusive behind the scenes footage all of taylor swift's music videos interviews, and more. xfinity is the destination for all things taylor swift. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> sadly, the american dream is ♪ ♪ ♪
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